I don't exist when you don't see me
[plan B]
Oh, I’ve got blogger's block. It’s been a long time, eh?
Years ago, when I was sitting on an empty Air Canada flight home from San Francisco, I had a sudden realization that I was in love with someone else. Or rather, I had fallen in love with someone else. Alone in my section, I had thought I had detected his scent. I could breathe in and feel that he was around me, holding me, or feeling his head on my shoulder. As quickly as the scent disappeared, the feeling of regret that just overwhelmed me disappeared. The plane took off and I never saw him again, though we remained friends across the net, our connections fragile, and hard to hold.
I have never forgotten that moment, and often wondered if I could feel it again. With Y, it was never like that. The moment I knew it had begun, it was when I had landed in Vancouver. When I saw him waiting, I realized that there wasn’t anything else I needed. It was him I wanted, and I just pushed my luggage as quickly as I could to meet him. The moment I knew it was over, it was when he met Y2, I could feel that there was something I couldn’t be. Couldn’t ever be.
The difference between Y and the first time was that the scent on the plane was irrational, just as falling in love with him made no sense. I explained it to myself that it was just emotions misplaced. With Y, it made sense, there was everything there that made it sensible and right. I placed my emotions correctly and even now, it feels right that it’s over. There was never anything irrational about us.
But you know, I want to feel that irrational again. I want to know what it means to be truly madly deeply. I want to feel this icyblog melt. Yet, I am afraid it will never melt, that I will always hold back if it doesn’t make sense to me, and the plane will take me away again.
There’s always plan B, and bury myself in work, never dream about something beyond a career at the office, drowning my thoughts in a solid block of ice, the one that froze my words and made me stare blankly at a white screen. I’m supposed to feel safer to be this cold.
Silly to want to be stupidly in love, isn’t it?
Oh, I’ve got blogger's block. It’s been a long time, eh?
Years ago, when I was sitting on an empty Air Canada flight home from San Francisco, I had a sudden realization that I was in love with someone else. Or rather, I had fallen in love with someone else. Alone in my section, I had thought I had detected his scent. I could breathe in and feel that he was around me, holding me, or feeling his head on my shoulder. As quickly as the scent disappeared, the feeling of regret that just overwhelmed me disappeared. The plane took off and I never saw him again, though we remained friends across the net, our connections fragile, and hard to hold.
I have never forgotten that moment, and often wondered if I could feel it again. With Y, it was never like that. The moment I knew it had begun, it was when I had landed in Vancouver. When I saw him waiting, I realized that there wasn’t anything else I needed. It was him I wanted, and I just pushed my luggage as quickly as I could to meet him. The moment I knew it was over, it was when he met Y2, I could feel that there was something I couldn’t be. Couldn’t ever be.
The difference between Y and the first time was that the scent on the plane was irrational, just as falling in love with him made no sense. I explained it to myself that it was just emotions misplaced. With Y, it made sense, there was everything there that made it sensible and right. I placed my emotions correctly and even now, it feels right that it’s over. There was never anything irrational about us.
But you know, I want to feel that irrational again. I want to know what it means to be truly madly deeply. I want to feel this icyblog melt. Yet, I am afraid it will never melt, that I will always hold back if it doesn’t make sense to me, and the plane will take me away again.
There’s always plan B, and bury myself in work, never dream about something beyond a career at the office, drowning my thoughts in a solid block of ice, the one that froze my words and made me stare blankly at a white screen. I’m supposed to feel safer to be this cold.
Silly to want to be stupidly in love, isn’t it?
posted by joe at 5:30 PM
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